Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it