witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
They’re the worst 😩
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.