Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.