witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.