Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Why is everyone getting married at me
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
me working on my assignments ^-^
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.