WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
is nasa ok
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Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.