My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.
*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.