[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
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There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Y’all ready for this
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there