Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
You Might Also Like
Thanks to a fan for this one.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.