With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed