With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.