With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
My life in a nutshell
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.