With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
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I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
goldfish mafia