With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
everyone’s a critic
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.