With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop