With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.