with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.