Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

when someone rings the doorbell

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”