With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited