With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.