With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen