With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.