With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Pass gas, not judgment.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
God has abandoned us.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad