With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
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his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*