With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”