With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
That took me a moment.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.