With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.