With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
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90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”