With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.