With this onion ring, I thee fed
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Holy moly
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…