With this onion ring, I thee fed
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”