With this onion ring, I thee fed
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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS