With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
i wish i could marry a nap
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
lol
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.