Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them