“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right