Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
You Might Also Like
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent