@coffeeandvinyl1

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

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@batkaren

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

@amandajpanda

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

@urgeekisshowing

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

@marcusthetoken

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

@ThisLocalHater

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

@KyleMcDowell86

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

@CeruleanGates

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right