Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
You Might Also Like
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign