Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Yup.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”