Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now