Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
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Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
LMAO.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
The cashier just checked me out.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
marvel comics have peaked
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
That’s it.I’m out.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.