Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.


Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.


“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*


I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.


Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.


I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue


If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day