Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes