Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Hard not to take this personally
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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