Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Body by sandwich.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
my mind
You just read my mind
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.