Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.