Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer