Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”