Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!