Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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Inside you there are two wolves
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
IT’S-A ME,
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.