Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
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Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.