Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
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KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
my retirement plan is braless
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys