Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
それは草
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I saw nothing
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!