Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
😏😏😏
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.