Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
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Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King