Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
i choose….tongue
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry