woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
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she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.